Called Out

So God has been drilling a lesson into my life over the past week. But, to grasp it, I probably need to back up a bit.

Last week, I had the privilege of attending, Velocity, a conference put on by CMA that was held at Indian Creek Community Church. Two of the presenters, Robin Wood and Gary Kendall, shared powerfully about being who you are, faults and all, even when you're leading.

As a recovering people pleaser, these are challenging words for me to hear. After all, how can anyone possibly love and respect me if they really knew me, right? I know that's a lie, straight from the mouth of the enemy, but it often feels so true. In the two sessions of the conference, I decided that this was a journey that I was not only going to go on, but fully engage in. I decided that I would find ways and times to share my broken story, not to manipulate any situation, but just because that's who I am: a broken, desperate person daily in need of the grace and mercy of our Heavenly Father. Though I don't live every day in a desperate place, I fully acknowledge that my life would be a mess without Christ.

In the days that followed, I read posts by Luke Kendall and Carlos Whittaker that continued to add fuel to the fire of what God was speaking to my heart. They both challenged and inspired me.

Then, I spent some time with God yesterday morning, and He absolutely pounded it home. I was spending my normal time in the Word, and today took me to 1 Corinthians. In 1 Cor. 2:3, I stumbled across these words from Paul, "I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling."

I don't think I've ever noticed these words before. So, I popped open my journal (as I normally do), and I penned these words. They're not refined, but they are the expression of my heart. And, I felt compelled to share.

As I read your word today, Lord, it has become obvious to me that the current, on-going theme for my life is "authenticity". Which is appropriate. So often in my life I have projected an image that was a distortion of my true self. I have acted weaker, more humble, and less perceptive and intelligent than I am. On teh same hand, I have hidden my true weaknesses, faults, hypocricies, and failures. Your message (through Your Spirit) is loud and clear: just be me. After all, when the Lord comes again "he will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will expose the motives of men's hearts." (1 Cor. 4:5) Father, find me clean. Purify me. Cleanse me from all unrighteousness. Bring to light in me the secret things that are hidden. Expose and disclose them in ways that lead to wholeness and life. Help me to delight in my weakness, for Your power can be made perfect in that. I want to delight only in You and Your ways, Your wisdom, Your power, and Your providence.

I celebrate Paul's words in 1 Cor. 3:9:

"For we are fellow workmen (joint promoters, laborers together) with and for God; you are God's garden and vineyard and field under cultivation, [you are] God's building."

I am a work in progress . . . forever in this lifetime. There is no end. As a vineyard/garden, there is always more work to be done in me. And some times, when I am a mess, I'm exactly where the Gardener wants me to be. Shape me, mold me, teach me, prune me. I want to bear much fruit for you. But, there's the beauty of this verse, even as I am a work in progress, You have invited me in to be a joint laborer, a fellow workman, a co-creator. I dont' have to be perfect, or know it all, to be useful in Your Kingdom. Just faithful, available, and teachable. Give me the courage to follow in the footsteps of Paul. In 1 Cor. 2:3, Paul writes, "I came to you in weakness and fear, and with much trembling."

This is PAUL!!!

As I move forward in my life, this is my calling card. I come with weakness, fear (in 1 Cor. 2:3 this could be translated as "dread"), and great trembling. But, I come all the same, because You have called me. And I come in boldness because I truly believe that You are responsible for the miraculous work of life change. I can plant seeds. I can cultivate soil. I can water. But, as 1 Cor. 3:7 says so well, "So neither he who plants is anything nor he who waters, but [only] God who makes it grow and become greater."

Father, only you can transform lives. Start with mine. Help me to lift you up, that all might be drawn to you.